When Someone You Love Drinks or Uses Drugs: How to Help Them, and Look After Yourself
If you are worried about a partner, parent, son, daughter, brother, sister or close friend, you may have spent a long time wondering what to do. You may have tried talking, pleading, setting rules or keeping the peace. You may have covered for them at work, lent them money, or lain awake waiting to hear the front door. And you may feel that nothing you do makes any difference.
This article is for you. It explains what research tells us about how a relative’s drinking or drug use affects the people around them, what family members can do that may help, and why your own wellbeing matters in its own right. It draws on UK guidance and on more than 30 years of research with families, much of it carried out in England.
Nothing here is about blame. People do not cause someone else’s alcohol or drug problem, and they cannot make it stop by trying harder. But there is good evidence that family members can make a positive difference, both to their own health and, sometimes, to whether their relative seeks help.
You are not alone
Alcohol and drug problems are often described as affecting “one person”, but they rarely do. A review for the UK Drug Policy Commission estimated that at least 1.4 million adults in the UK were living with, and adversely affected by, a relative’s drug use. The authors described this as a minimum, because it did not include the much larger number of people affected by a relative’s drinking (Copello, Templeton and Powell, 2009).
Children are affected too. Public Health England (2021) reported that around 478,000 children in England were living with a parent with problem alcohol or drug use in 2019–20. Around the world, researchers have estimated that the number of adult family members affected by a relative’s addiction may be in the region of 100 million (Orford et al., 2013).
Despite these numbers, many family members feel isolated. Shame, loyalty and fear of what others will think can make it hard to talk about. If you recognise that feeling, it may help to know that what you are going through is common, well described, and taken seriously by researchers and by national guidance.
What it can feel like: stress, strain and coping
For many years, families were often seen as part of the problem. Some older theories suggested that relatives somehow “needed” the person to keep drinking, or were “co-dependent”. A group of UK researchers challenged this view. Their stress–strain–coping–support model sees family members as ordinary people facing a long-running and highly stressful situation (Orford et al., 2010a).
The model has four parts.
Stress. Living with someone’s drinking or drug use can bring worry, conflict, money problems, broken promises, unpredictability and, for some people, fear for their safety.
Strain. Over time, this stress can show up in your own health. Family members commonly describe anxiety, low mood, poor sleep, exhaustion, headaches and feeling constantly on edge.
Coping. People find their own ways of managing, and every way has costs as well as benefits.
Support. Good social support, meaning emotional care, accurate information and practical help, is one of the most important protections for family members’ health.
Researchers working with this model have described three broad ways in which relatives tend to cope (Orford et al., 1998; Orford et al., 2010b).
Standing up to it. Arguing, checking, searching for bottles or drugs, setting rules or trying to control the situation.
Putting up with it. Keeping quiet, covering up, giving money, or accepting things to keep the peace.
Withdrawing and gaining independence. Stepping back, focusing on your own life, and protecting yourself and others from the effects.
None of these is “right” or “wrong”. Most people move between all three, depending on the day. The point is not to judge how you have coped, but to notice what each approach is costing you, and whether there are options you have not yet tried.
What the evidence says may help your relative
Many families feel there are only two choices: wait until the person “hits rock bottom”, or confront them. Research suggests there is a third way.
Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT)
CRAFT is an approach developed in the United States to help family members encourage a relative who is not ready to seek help. It does not rely on confrontation. Instead, it teaches family members skills to:
understand the patterns around the person’s drinking or drug use, such as times, places, moods and triggers;
make sober or drug-free time more rewarding, for example by spending time together when the person has not been using;
step back from rescuing them from the natural consequences of their use, where it is safe to do so;
communicate in a calmer, more positive way;
spot the moments when the person may be more open to talking about help;
look after their own safety and wellbeing.
In one well-known trial, family members of people with alcohol problems were randomly allocated to CRAFT, to a confrontational “Johnson Institute” style intervention, or to a programme encouraging them to attend Al-Anon. Of those whose relative was initially unwilling to seek help, 64% in the CRAFT group saw their relative enter treatment, compared with 30% in the confrontation group and 13% in the Al-Anon group (Miller, Meyers and Tonigan, 1999). Family members in all three groups reported similar improvements in their own wellbeing.
A later review pooled four randomised trials. It found that CRAFT was roughly three times as likely as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon facilitation, and about twice as likely as the Johnson Institute intervention, to lead to the relative entering treatment (Roozen, de Waart and van der Kroft, 2010).
These findings are encouraging, but they need to be read with care. The trials were carried out outside the UK, with family members who had chosen to take part, and the people they were worried about did not all enter treatment. CRAFT does not guarantee that someone will change. What it offers is a way of responding that is more likely to help than either confrontation or doing nothing, and that does not damage the relationship along the way.
CRAFT-trained practitioners are not widely available in the UK, but its principles are set out in a self-help book written for families (Meyers and Wolfe, 2004).
Why confrontation tends not to work
Television has made the dramatic “intervention” familiar: family and friends gather, read letters, and give the person an ultimatum. In the trial described above, this approach led to fewer people entering treatment than CRAFT did (Miller, Meyers and Tonigan, 1999), and a later review of several trials reached the same conclusion (Roozen, de Waart and van der Kroft, 2010).
This fits with what we know about motivation more generally. People are more likely to consider change when they feel listened to and respected, and less likely when they feel cornered, judged or shamed (Miller and Rollnick, 2013). Ultimatums can also backfire if they are not carried through, and can put relationships and safety at risk.
Talking about it: practical ideas
There is no perfect script, and no conversation will guarantee a particular outcome. But some approaches are more likely to keep the door open than others.
Choose your moment. Avoid raising concerns when the person is drunk, high, hungover or in withdrawal, or straight after an argument. A calm moment, when you are both sober and have time, is more likely to go well.
Start with care. Begin with why you are raising it: because you love them and are worried. For example: “I care about you, and I’ve been worried about how much you’ve been drinking lately.”
Describe, don’t label. Words like “alcoholic” or “addict” often lead to denial or arguments. Talk instead about specific things you have noticed and how they affected you: “When you didn’t come home on Saturday, I was frightened something had happened to you.”
Use “I” rather than “you”. “I feel anxious when…” is easier to hear than “You always…”.
Listen as much as you talk. Ask what they think about their drinking or drug use, and what they enjoy about it as well as what worries them. People often have mixed feelings, and hearing themselves say those worries out loud can matter more than hearing yours.
Have information ready, but don’t push it. It can help to know what support exists locally, privately and through the NHS, so that if the person shows an interest you can act on it quickly. Your GP, local drug and alcohol service, or a private service can all be starting points.
Be clear about your own limits. You can decide what you will and won’t do. For example, you might stop lending money, or decide not to cover for them at work. Limits work best when they are about your own behaviour, stated calmly, and ones you are prepared to keep.
Expect to have more than one conversation. Change rarely follows a single talk. Many people move back and forth between not wanting to change, thinking about it, and trying (Prochaska and DiClemente, 1983). A conversation that seems to go nowhere may still plant a seed.
Supporting without rescuing
Many family members, out of love, end up shielding their relative from the effects of their drinking or drug use. This is entirely understandable, and at the time it can feel like the only option. But some kinds of help can make it easier for the problem to continue, while taking a heavy toll on you. Examples include:
phoning their employer to say they are ill when they are hungover;
paying off debts linked to their drinking or drug use;
clearing up after them so that they never see the aftermath;
quietly taking on all the household and childcare tasks;
buying alcohol for them to keep the peace.
CRAFT draws a distinction between rewarding time without alcohol or drugs and protecting someone from the consequences of using (Meyers and Wolfe, 2004). The aim is not to punish. It is to let the person experience the natural results of their choices, where it is safe to do so, while making time without alcohol or drugs as positive as possible.
This needs judgement. Stepping back is never the right choice if it puts anyone in danger, such as leaving someone who is heavily intoxicated alone, or withdrawing support that keeps children safe. If you are unsure, talk it through with a professional or a family support service first.
Looking after yourself is not selfish
It is easy to put your own needs last when someone you love is struggling. But your health matters in its own right, not only as a way of helping them. UK guidance is clear on this.
NICE guidance on alcohol-use disorders says families and carers should be offered information, an assessment of their own needs where appropriate, and guided self-help or contact with support groups. Where that is not enough, it recommends considering family meetings (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, 2011). NICE’s quality standard for drug use disorders states that families and carers should be offered an assessment of their own needs (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, 2012).
The UK clinical guidelines for alcohol treatment, published in 2025, go further. They say services should offer support to partners, family and friends even when the person who drinks is not in treatment (Department of Health and Social Care, 2025a).
The 5-Step Method
One approach developed for exactly this purpose is the 5-Step Method, created by UK researchers and based on the stress–strain–coping–support model. It is designed to help the family member in their own right, whether or not their relative changes. The steps are (Copello et al., 2010a):
Listening, reassuring and exploring concerns. A chance to talk openly without being judged.
Providing relevant, specific information. About alcohol or drugs, their effects, and what treatment involves.
Exploring how you cope. Looking at what you currently do, what it costs you, and other options.
Exploring and strengthening social support. Who is in your corner, and who could be.
Discussing further needs. Including whether other help, for you or your relative, would be useful.
Studies in primary care, specialist services and community settings in the UK and Italy have reported gains for family members, such as fewer signs of strain and better ways of coping (Copello et al., 2010b; Department of Health and Social Care, 2025a).
Simple ways to protect your wellbeing
Talk to someone you trust. Breaking the silence is often the first step. This might be a friend, a relative, your GP or a support line.
Find people who understand. Al-Anon Family Groups, SMART Recovery Family & Friends and Adfam’s directory of local family support groups are all places to meet others in a similar position (NHS, 2026).
Protect the basics. Sleep, food, movement and time away from the situation are not luxuries.
Keep hold of your own life. Interests, friendships and plans that are just yours can help you stay steady.
Accept what you cannot control. You cannot control someone else’s drinking or drug use (Alcohol Change UK, no date). You can control how you respond, and how you look after yourself.
Notice your own drinking or drug use. Stress can make anyone reach for a drink, a pill or a cigarette. It is worth keeping an eye on this.
If there are children in the family
Children often understand more than adults realise, even when no one talks about it. They may blame themselves, keep secrets, or take on adult responsibilities. Research shows that the harm to children is not inevitable. Protective factors include at least one stable, caring adult, predictable routines, positive activities outside the home, and an honest, age-appropriate explanation that the problem is not their fault (Velleman and Templeton, 2007).
Some practical steps that may help:
Keep routines such as meals, school and bedtimes as steady as you can.
Explain, in words suited to their age, that their parent or sibling has a problem with alcohol or drugs, that it is not their fault, and that they cannot fix it.
Make sure they have someone safe to talk to, inside or outside the family.
Let their school know, if you feel able to, so that staff can offer support.
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics (Nacoa) runs a free helpline for children and adults affected by a parent’s drinking on 0800 358 3456. Alateen, part of Al-Anon, supports young people aged 12 to 17 (Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire, no date).
Safety comes first
Some situations need urgent action, and it is important not to put yourself or your relative at risk while trying to help.
Do not encourage someone to stop drinking suddenly if they are dependent. If a person drinks heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be very dangerous. Alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures, hallucinations and confusion, usually starting within 6 to 12 hours of the last drink (NHS, 2026). Pouring away all the alcohol in the house, or insisting on an immediate stop, can put them in danger. Their GP, NHS 111 or a local alcohol service can advise on doing this safely, which may mean a medically supervised withdrawal.
Know what to do in an overdose. If your relative uses opioids such as heroin or strong painkillers, ask your local drug service about naloxone, a medicine that can temporarily reverse an opioid overdose. Family members and friends can be supplied with it without a prescription (Department of Health and Social Care, 2025b). In any emergency, call 999.
Your safety matters. Alcohol and drug use can be linked with aggression and domestic abuse, though many people who drink or use drugs are never abusive. If you or your children are being hurt, threatened or controlled, this is not something to manage alone. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 (Refuge, no date). If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
If you are struggling to cope. Samaritans can be reached free, at any time, on 116 123.
If your relative says yes to help
If the person you are worried about says they are ready to talk to someone, try to act while the motivation is there. Readiness to change can come and go (Prochaska and DiClemente, 1983).
Options in England include:
their GP, who can check their physical health, assess whether a medically supervised withdrawal is needed, and refer them on;
the local NHS-funded drug and alcohol service, which often accepts self-referrals;
mutual aid groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or SMART Recovery;
private services, which may offer more choice over timing, location and the type of therapy.
Whatever route they choose, recovery is rarely a straight line. Setbacks, often called lapses, are common. A lapse does not mean that treatment has failed, or that your efforts were wasted.
Keep looking after yourself during this stage too. Some family members find that the strain they have carried for years only surfaces once things begin to settle, and support can still help then.
Where to find support
Organisation | Who it is for | Contact |
Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire | Anyone affected by someone else’s drinking | 0800 0086 811, 10am to 10pm every day |
Nacoa | Children and adults affected by a parent’s drinking | 0800 358 3456 |
FRANK | Information about drugs, for anyone | 0300 123 6600, 24 hours; text 82111 |
Adfam | Families affected by drugs and alcohol | Online directory of local family support groups |
National Domestic Abuse Helpline | Anyone experiencing domestic abuse | 0808 2000 247, 24 hours |
Samaritans | Anyone who is struggling | 116 123, 24 hours |
Your GP is also a good starting point, both for your own wellbeing and to find out about local NHS-funded drug and alcohol services, many of which offer support to family members.
How Cheshire Sobriety Clinic works with families
Cheshire Sobriety Clinic is a private outpatient service offering one-to-one talking therapy, alongside Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT®), for adults who want to change their relationship with alcohol or drugs. Sessions take place in Altrincham, Alderley Edge or online.
We recognise that alcohol and drug problems affect the whole family. With the client’s consent, we can involve partners and family members in their care, and family sessions are included in our Private Client programme. Every family is different, and what we offer is shaped around the person and the people close to them.
We are not a crisis service and we do not provide medically managed detox. If your relative needs either, we will refer them or link them in with the right service. If you would like to talk through the options, you can arrange a complimentary 30-minute consultation. It is a private, no-obligation conversation about what has been happening and what support might fit.
Final thoughts
Loving someone who drinks or uses drugs can be one of the hardest things a person goes through. It is not your fault, and it is not your job to fix it alone. Research suggests that calm, consistent and caring responses are more likely to help than confrontation, and that looking after yourself is part of the answer rather than a distraction from it.
Whatever your relative decides, you deserve support in your own right.
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for medical advice. If someone drinks heavily every day, they should not stop suddenly without medical advice: speak to a GP or call NHS 111. In an emergency, call 999. Everyone’s situation is different, and the outcomes of any treatment or support cannot be guaranteed.
© 2026 by Cheshire Sobriety Clinic. All rights reserved.
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